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Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
To get through this thing called “life”

You grow up with the understanding that everything, everyone, dies. Family, friends, pets; they all die. If they haven’t yet, they will eventually. You know that you will one day die. It doesn’t matter if you understand it or not. Death doesn’t care about time, or understanding. It does not care if you are a sinner or a saint. It comes and all we can do it accept it.

But then there are the people, the icons, that we don’t associate with death. There are the people who are timeless, and you never stop to think what the world will be like without them.

One of those people for me was, Prince.

I wasn’t one of the people who had great epiphanies when I first heard a Prince song. His music was just there. Always.

Under the Cherry Moon was a movie I discovered one day on accident, and I fell in love.

Prince was unapologetic in who he was, what he believed in, and the music he made.

My first memory of my mom covering my eyes was during Purple Rain.

“Darling Nikki,” still gives me…special…feelings when I listen to it.

My first time being kicked out of a bar was because of a Prince song. I was 19 or 20, and my friend was dating a karaoke DJ. My friend and I had figured out that most of the time, bars were no cover charge on karaoke nights. What’s the best way to know what bars are offering karaoke on what night? Date a karaoke DJ. Anyways…we get up to sing some song, and then I see in a book of songs I am browsing: “7” by Prince.

Hell. Fucking. Yes.

I changed the song we were singing right then. “7” is one of my favorite Prince songs. I mean…I love most of his songs, but “7” is in my top 5, and if I am being honest, it is only number 3 below “Purple Rain,” and “When Doves Cry.” Again, anyways…

We start singing the song, and we are having such a fun time between singing and rapping this song. We are laughing and half-singing, half-speaking…it was just so much fun. After we were done, we bowed to the applause, and we started back to our table.

The manager of the bar came over to us and asked us who was giving us alcohol. We looked at him like he was stupid. I told him that he could smell my breath, we had not been drinking. I guess because they really had no way to prove whether we were drinking or not, and they didn’t want to call the cops and take a chance on losing their liquor licence…we were told to leave.

We weren’t just told to leave. We were escorted out by two bouncers; one for each of us.

Once we got out to the car, we turned on the same song we got kicked out for, and blasted “7” in the parking lot until they finally called the police and we were made to leave the premises.

Such fun. And all because of Prince.

He was there. Maybe not all the time, but he was there. Always.

I see so many people on the internet, and even in my own circle that don’t understand why people get so upset when a celebrity or an artist passes away. This is my answer:

Being a true lover of music is hard. There are so many people who help you get through the day. They get you pumped for the day. They help keep you motivated. They help you sleep better at night. They will never know if repeating their song or album got you through the roughest times in your life.

I don’t mourn because I knew Prince personally. I mourn because he was timeless. Timeless. He was timeless int he way that you felt like he would never run out of time. I mourn an icon that their songs can be listened to 40 years from now and STILL sound brand new.

I didn’t need to play his music or gush about my love for Prince every single day to cry and feel a great loss right now.

I hate 2016 right now. It feels like it is being written by George RR Martin. Somewhere there is a very lit concert going on right now.

RIP Prince Rogers Nelson.

Honey, I know, I know
I know times are changing
It’s time we all reach out
For something new, that means you too

Writing Inspiration…

i’ve got a cavern of secrets
none of them are for you
even if you wanted to keep them
where would you find the room

i saw myself tonight
saw my reflection in the mirror
my hands and heart were tied
but i was scared of almost nothing at all

warm blood feels good, i can’t control it anymore
sweet one, you should stop me there but i keep on talking

warm blood – carly rae jepsen

The Circle of Life…

I didn’t realize that a few hours after I wrote my last post I would be sharing in the heartbreak of losing a family member.

Insert A Love Song Here…

Hey! Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. As if you couldn’t tell from the commercials on television exclaiming that it is “engagement season,” to the aisles draped in shades of red and pink in the stores.

The Art of Letting Go…

It is kind of sad to think about how good I am at it…the letting go.

It’s not easy. Not at all.

I Can Feel It Coming In The Air…

But…

Something is coming…or at least it’s trying to.

Well Then, Queen…

Just gonna set this right here for ya’ll…

Is It Wrong…

I take care of a lot in this house. No, I don’t have kids. I just have my dog. But, I also have my parents.

They aren’t exactly disabled. My dad still works, and my mom is very active. But they are getting older. More recently, my mom has been feeling sick to her stomach almost on a daily basis. I understand that feeling. It sucks. She has chronic pain, so that makes it a little more intense. I help make a lot of decisions, and there are some days it frightens me a bit how much like a child my mom can be.

When my dad is deployed-which he is now-my mom gets very, very needy. I’m not complaining, because I understand every single day how lucky I am to have my mom around. I feel lucky everyday that I am able to help her and talk with her and laugh with her. I really try not to complain. But some days, I am tired.

Some days, I don’t want to take care of myself, let alone someone else. I feel guilty when I roll my eyes at a text asking me to come to the other side of the house. I feel guilty when I get a little angry because it is something so easy. I mostly feel guilty because some days I want to be selfish.

Sometimes, I wish I could lay my personal, petty little burdens on someone else. Without having to ask or offer them up. I wonder if it is wrong to just really wish that I had someone to think for me. For five minutes, if that’s all I could ask for, don’t make me be the one that has to think for myself.

I feel selfish because sometimes I want to be able to just…be. But “be” with someone. That’s weird right? To exist in some sort of space (physically, mentally, or emotionally) with someone and not have to worry if I am doing enough for them. Am I taking care of them the right way? Am I saying the right things? Am I being entertaining enough? have I cared enough about them? Do they need anything else? Is there anything wrong? Is there something I can do?

Just to exist with no questions.

I feel selfish when I need that. I am a natural giver. I give as much as I can of myself, in all aspects…to anyone who needs it, or wants it for that matter. I try not to ask for any of that back.

I have become an expert at taking care of myself. I have become an expert at making myself okay. I am impressive in my skills at being a rock for everyone (except for me). My words of support and advice have been crafted from years of being a pillar of light for everyone around me. I am not trying to brag, I just know what I do and that I am good at it.

Sometimes though, I want to be selfish. I want someone to be able to hear in my voice or in the tone of my silence that I need to exist with no worries about anyone else.

I want to be selfish in my need of my mind being taken away by sex, words, or laughter…without there needing to be a question.

I want to be selfish in those ways. And then I wonder if it is wrong to want to be selfish. Just for a little while.

It’s been one of those days.

Forgotten Notebook II…

the days danced into nights

long quiet nights

silence, when the only

thing I wanted to hear was you.

selfish.

thoughtless.

reckless.

but so were you.

 

this wasn’t a game started with one

we both play our part

you give me your words

i give you my heart

You make fantasy

i make promises

you sing

your song

and I sway to the music

it always sounded better in my head.

 

the force pulled together

much easier

than the slow drift apart

i grasp,

you miss

no.

you let go,

only catching when you want me

when you need me

when you need

the comfort

i’m an expert at the comfort

i’m an expert at you.

 

i never give up

i give in

i give in to my need

my need of needing

you

someone

me.

 

selfish.

thoughtless.

reckless.

but so were you.

 

 

you claimed you would be a light

but only when you wanted to be

you selfishly held my hand

not for me,

for you

and the reckless way you threw

your love around

my love away

 

something happened

slowly

i wanted

but didn’t need

eventually

i didn’t want, need, love, or even like

you.

something happened.

you.

Unexpected…

My car died on Friday. A lot. Okay, maybe it didn’t die, but it was definitely in a coma that it may or may not have been able to wake up from.

I’m dramatic.

My battery died. Today, I got a new battery, and all was well with the car world.

That turned out great for me because the past two days have been unexpectedly beautiful outside. I mean, the weather says it is going to be beautiful, but everyone’s definitions are different.

Yesterday and today were absolutely gorgeous.