I take care of a lot in this house. No, I don’t have kids. I just have my dog. But, I also have my parents.
They aren’t exactly disabled. My dad still works, and my mom is very active. But they are getting older. More recently, my mom has been feeling sick to her stomach almost on a daily basis. I understand that feeling. It sucks. She has chronic pain, so that makes it a little more intense. I help make a lot of decisions, and there are some days it frightens me a bit how much like a child my mom can be.
When my dad is deployed-which he is now-my mom gets very, very needy. I’m not complaining, because I understand every single day how lucky I am to have my mom around. I feel lucky everyday that I am able to help her and talk with her and laugh with her. I really try not to complain. But some days, I am tired.
Some days, I don’t want to take care of myself, let alone someone else. I feel guilty when I roll my eyes at a text asking me to come to the other side of the house. I feel guilty when I get a little angry because it is something so easy. I mostly feel guilty because some days I want to be selfish.
Sometimes, I wish I could lay my personal, petty little burdens on someone else. Without having to ask or offer them up. I wonder if it is wrong to just really wish that I had someone to think for me. For five minutes, if that’s all I could ask for, don’t make me be the one that has to think for myself.
I feel selfish because sometimes I want to be able to just…be. But “be” with someone. That’s weird right? To exist in some sort of space (physically, mentally, or emotionally) with someone and not have to worry if I am doing enough for them. Am I taking care of them the right way? Am I saying the right things? Am I being entertaining enough? have I cared enough about them? Do they need anything else? Is there anything wrong? Is there something I can do?
Just to exist with no questions.
I feel selfish when I need that. I am a natural giver. I give as much as I can of myself, in all aspects…to anyone who needs it, or wants it for that matter. I try not to ask for any of that back.
I have become an expert at taking care of myself. I have become an expert at making myself okay. I am impressive in my skills at being a rock for everyone (except for me). My words of support and advice have been crafted from years of being a pillar of light for everyone around me. I am not trying to brag, I just know what I do and that I am good at it.
Sometimes though, I want to be selfish. I want someone to be able to hear in my voice or in the tone of my silence that I need to exist with no worries about anyone else.
I want to be selfish in my need of my mind being taken away by sex, words, or laughter…without there needing to be a question.
I want to be selfish in those ways. And then I wonder if it is wrong to want to be selfish. Just for a little while.
It’s been one of those days.