I didn’t realize that a few hours after I wrote my last post I would be sharing in the heartbreak of losing a family member.
Just gonna set this right here for ya’ll…
I take care of a lot in this house. No, I don’t have kids. I just have my dog. But, I also have my parents.
They aren’t exactly disabled. My dad still works, and my mom is very active. But they are getting older. More recently, my mom has been feeling sick to her stomach almost on a daily basis. I understand that feeling. It sucks. She has chronic pain, so that makes it a little more intense. I help make a lot of decisions, and there are some days it frightens me a bit how much like a child my mom can be.
When my dad is deployed-which he is now-my mom gets very, very needy. I’m not complaining, because I understand every single day how lucky I am to have my mom around. I feel lucky everyday that I am able to help her and talk with her and laugh with her. I really try not to complain. But some days, I am tired.
Some days, I don’t want to take care of myself, let alone someone else. I feel guilty when I roll my eyes at a text asking me to come to the other side of the house. I feel guilty when I get a little angry because it is something so easy. I mostly feel guilty because some days I want to be selfish.
Sometimes, I wish I could lay my personal, petty little burdens on someone else. Without having to ask or offer them up. I wonder if it is wrong to just really wish that I had someone to think for me. For five minutes, if that’s all I could ask for, don’t make me be the one that has to think for myself.
I feel selfish because sometimes I want to be able to just…be. But “be” with someone. That’s weird right? To exist in some sort of space (physically, mentally, or emotionally) with someone and not have to worry if I am doing enough for them. Am I taking care of them the right way? Am I saying the right things? Am I being entertaining enough? have I cared enough about them? Do they need anything else? Is there anything wrong? Is there something I can do?
Just to exist with no questions.
I feel selfish when I need that. I am a natural giver. I give as much as I can of myself, in all aspects…to anyone who needs it, or wants it for that matter. I try not to ask for any of that back.
I have become an expert at taking care of myself. I have become an expert at making myself okay. I am impressive in my skills at being a rock for everyone (except for me). My words of support and advice have been crafted from years of being a pillar of light for everyone around me. I am not trying to brag, I just know what I do and that I am good at it.
Sometimes though, I want to be selfish. I want someone to be able to hear in my voice or in the tone of my silence that I need to exist with no worries about anyone else.
I want to be selfish in my need of my mind being taken away by sex, words, or laughter…without there needing to be a question.
I want to be selfish in those ways. And then I wonder if it is wrong to want to be selfish. Just for a little while.
It’s been one of those days.
the days danced into nights
long quiet nights
silence, when the only
thing I wanted to hear was you.
but so were you.
this wasn’t a game started with one
we both play our part
you give me your words
i give you my heart
You make fantasy
i make promises
and I sway to the music
it always sounded better in my head.
the force pulled together
than the slow drift apart
you let go,
only catching when you want me
when you need me
when you need
i’m an expert at the comfort
i’m an expert at you.
i never give up
i give in
i give in to my need
my need of needing
but so were you.
you claimed you would be a light
but only when you wanted to be
you selfishly held my hand
not for me,
and the reckless way you threw
your love around
my love away
but didn’t need
i didn’t want, need, love, or even like
My car died on Friday. A lot. Okay, maybe it didn’t die, but it was definitely in a coma that it may or may not have been able to wake up from.
My battery died. Today, I got a new battery, and all was well with the car world.
That turned out great for me because the past two days have been unexpectedly beautiful outside. I mean, the weather says it is going to be beautiful, but everyone’s definitions are different.
Yesterday and today were absolutely gorgeous.
DeRay McKesson is an educator, activist, and part of the planning team of Campaign Zero (a plan to end police violence). Following him on Twitter, I have realized that he is also extremely creative, loves music, and has a profound amount of patience. He often posts six word stories that will make me pause.
Today, an article of his current inspirations was posted and I was reminded of a book I read last year. It was called Tiger Lily, by Jodi Lynn Anderson. I fell in love with the book, and highlighted the last letter that Peter Pan wrote to Tiger Lily (according to this version of the story, telling Tiger Lily’s side through the eyes of Tinkerbell).
Deray had this on his list, and I was reminded again how much I loved it, so wanted to share it here.
The full article featuring DeRay McKesson: here.
Honestly, that title has nothing to do with anything in this post, except for the fact I am looking at a box of them on my desk right now. And I may be a little high on a pain pill. More on that in a second, but I really didn’t want to title this: FUCK YOU FRIDAY I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH!
So, I chose that.