It is kind of sad to think about how good I am at it…the letting go.
It’s not easy. Not at all.
But, once I am to that point, it is like a series of steps that I have perfected.
It is not dramatic on my end. I do it silently. I am the martyr of the relationship. I sacrifice everything that is great about me to make them wonder why they liked or fell in love with me in the first place. By that time, I have already let go and just waiting for the ax to fall.
It may sound childish, but I always keep that hope. There is always that hope that they will notice something is different and care enough to find out what it is and want to fix it. It usually doesn’t end that way, but I always wish it would. Once I have gotten to the point of letting go, I have done everything I can from my side.
I am attentive and caring. I know when something is off with someone, even if they don’t want to admit it. They know this about me, not just with words. I show it. Maybe even to a fault. So once I have gotten to the point that I am letting go, it is because they haven’t given enough back.
It shouldn’t have to be asked for.
Love, caring, attentiveness, intimacy…these are not things that should have to be asked for.
Yes, fine, people’s lives can be busy. But it would be nice to know that the other person craves the same thing from me that I crave from them. I shouldn’t have to be the one to mention it all the time.
Love is about action, not about words.
You can only hear that word so many times with no actions behind it before it just starts to sound like something someone feels they need to say, because it is a habit. Because it is something you have been saying to each other for a while. And yes, you may say it back, but it doesn’t feel the same.
I love my dog. I love my shoes. I love Grey’s Anatomy. I love you. I love fried chicken. I love the sunshine. I love NYX cosmetics.
See how that got lost in there?
Having someone say the love doesn’t feel half as good as feeling it. Feeling it from the inside when they do say it because you know it’s there. Once the “I love you,” becomes a habitual series of words, I am already letting go. The switch has been flipped and there is no easy way to come back. Mainly because I have noticed the switch in them first. I am late to the party. But once I am in the party, I stay there. Caring comes so easy for me, and it leaves just as easy.
The art of letting go is hard, and lonely. It can keep you up at night, making you wonder if you did the right thing, the right way. The questioning comes when you wish you had someone to hold you when you were feeling down, or when you had really great news that you want to share with the person you have shared everything else with.
A few things came up this week that made me realize that my times of letting go were 100% the right thing to do. I may have questioned it before, but not anymore. I go with my gut.
And, even if it takes a while for me to realize it, my gut is usually right.