Queen Anne Cordial Cherries…

Honestly, that title has nothing to do with anything in this post, except for the fact I am looking at a box of them on my desk right now. And I may be a little high on a pain pill. More on that in a second, but I really didn’t want to title this: FUCK YOU FRIDAY I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH!

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So, I chose that.

Man, today…

Today has been one of those days that you don’t even dare ask if it could get any worse. Because, it probably can, so just shut your mouth and be thankful the house hasn’t burned down…yet.

Today (in no particular order) I:

Was almost assassinated by one of my two cats.

My car gave up on life (3 times, two of them being while I was TRYING to be out and about).

My dog tried to assassinate me.

My jacket got stuck in the hood of my car while it was closed and I couldn’t get it out of there, so I had to wait for someone to walk by and pop my hood for me.

Thirty one pounds of dog food found itself free in the backseat of my dying car.

The bitch at the bank was a bitch.

I broke my favorite coffee mug.

The store I could finally make it to is apparently the ONLY ONE of that chain in my area to not sell any kind of alcohol. Unless we count rubbing, and I don’t. I’m not that far down the road. Today tested me though, I almost considered it.

I dropped and broke the only bottle of Snapple Apple juice I could find at the 3 stores I went to.

The homeless guy at the gas station grabbed my ass.

Like…

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Okay, so, the assassination attempts:

First, my cat decided that he was going to dart right under my foot as I was stepping down my very concrete, very hard steps. Because on any other day, I like my cat, I decided to try and not step on him. Which meant that my foot went off the edge and I slid/fell down my steps. Right onto my ankle that has been fractured once, broken twice, and twisted more times than I can count.

That was an adventure.

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The assassination attempt by my wonderful dog, Sampson, happened a little later on. Usually I take him outside on an extendable leash that is easy to let go of if I need to.

I basically live in the woods, with no real busy road too close to me, so settle down on the “let go” part of that. In case you were about to get in your feelings with that.

Anyways, today I used a shorter leash and I wrapped it around my wrist because he gets super excited as we are going out the door.

Today would be the day that a new stray cat felt the need to visit my yard. Today would be the day that Sampson actually saw new stray cat.

Today would be the day that I couldn’t get my wrist out of the leash fast enough. So, today was the day that Sampson damn near yanked my arm out of its socket and pulled me face first into the sidewalk. Silver lining? No scratches on my face. Just on my arm.

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Today was also the day that I wished a hole would open up in the ground and swallow my dog and that damn stupid fucking stray ass cat whole.

That is why I am currently high on a pain pill and naming blog posts after Valentine candy.

Another adventure.

I zenned and powered through any pain from my earlier assassination attempt. But after the last one, I decided that maybe I needed to just take the pill. I’m strong, but I’m not a goddamned rock.

My car can suck an unbelievably huge dick right now.

My jacket was the only thing I was wearing on top, so I couldn’t just climb out of my jacket in the parking lot of the bank. Which is exactly what I told the nice man that came to my aid with the hood of my car when he looked at me like I was a psychopath.

The homeless guy was annoying and I slapped the shit out of him with my bag after he grabbed my ass. Mainly because I was just too done to do anything else.

Then when I got home, finally, I tried to pick up this heavy ass bag of dog food…and what do you know? I was the lucky customer that got the bag that was torn open at the top. So guess who got to pick up thirty one pounds of dog food by hand, in the dark, with no inside car light because her goddamned battery or car or something is stupid and dead.

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Yeah.

BUT, this week has been a real good week for me in music.

Rihanna FINALLY released ANTI. Been waiting a whole damn year for this. And while there are some songs on there I don’t care for, there are way more that I can’t get enough of.

J. Cole released the live version of his Forest Hills Drive album, which was recorded when he came back home to Fayetteville, NC. Also the place that he recorded his HBO documentary and concert.

Zayn Malik, formerly of OneDirection, released a surprisingly fucking good single last night, Pillow Talk. Like really good.

Sia released her new album, This Is Acting. It is an album full of songs that she had pitched for other artists and were rejected. If you don’t know much about Sia, or her music, Google her. You may be surprised at all the songs she has had a hand in over the course of the last handful of years.

Kanye West and Wiz Khalifa had some fun Twitter arguments.

And I was finally able to find a good replacement copy of one of Aaliyah‘s albums that they don’t sell anywhere, any more.

So, I hope everyone has had a great week. Watch out for assassin’s, they are everywhere.

P.S. Snapple Apple juice is the truth and the light, and I am extremely heartbroken that I broke the only bottle I could find.

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