I think I need to revise my internal list of standards when it comes to a significant other.
I never really had an actual list, per say. It has always just been a mental checklist I quickly run through my head when talking to someone I potentially will want to talk to more than once and on an intimate level.
Likes dogs? Check.
Knows the proper use of you’re and your? Check and check.
Understands my need for personal space on Thursday nights during my ShondaLand shows? Check. An exception can be made if potential significant other also watches and enjoys ShondaLand shows as intensely as I do.
Of course, those are just a few things on my mental checklist. I mean, we all have standards so I don’t believe that it makes me out to be too much of a bitch because I have certain wants in a person.
If a person can refuse to date someone because they are bigger than a size 2, then I can refuse to date someone because they talk during The Walking Dead.
With that being said, I feel that I need to add another thing to my checklist – or maybe I should say; something that will immediately make anything else on the checklist null and void.
“I don’t do emotions.”
“I’m not good with communication. I would rather just have my space and when I come back I’m over it.”
Both of those statements are now an instant nope for me.
I don’t care if the person has every season of Grey’s Anatomy on Blu-ray and DVD in the back of their $200,000 car that is filled with essays on the proper usage of commonly misused words while wearing a t-shirt that reads, “If Daryl dies, we riot,” and walking their 25 dogs in a park by the beach.
I don’t care.
Those two statements are now an immediate deal breaker. And it should have been that way a long time ago.
I love to talk. I love to talk when things are good, and I love to talk when things are bad. I am a believer in communicating, even if it means arguing, just to get out what the problem is and start the process of coming up with a solution. I get that everyone handles emotions differently, but I think at a certain age you need to mature enough to know that those two statements sound like a cop-out.
You don’t do emotions?
Have you ever felt sad?
That’s an emotion.
Anything ever make you a little angry?
Anger; that’s an emotion.
A feeling of jubilation because it is Friday and you have the weekend off?
Happiness…also an emotion.
Why not just go ahead and say what you really mean?
“I don’t like to show emotions when i am in a relationship because I feel it makes me too vulnerable.” or “I’m not really big into hand holding, cuddling, or any other overly displays of emotion whether in public or private.”
Something along those two lines come across a little more mature and less like you are just trying to preface a possible relationship with. “Hey, I’m kind of a douche-bag and I will not give in at all so you might as well leave this dinner because you are not going to be happy with me later down the road.”
I can work with the more mature statements. I can work with the fact that not everyone likes to be a little vulnerable. I don’t like putting myself out there like that all the time either. As long as there is an understanding that at some point we will have to meet in the middle. I also do not like deep throat tonguing someone in the middle of Target for no reason, so I am totally willing to work with that too.
But to say that you don’t do emotions? That’s a lie.
And I don’t do liars.
Communication, like I stated above, is a big thing for me. I understand that at the height of a full on word war, maybe it is best that both parties take some space and calm down. This does not mean that once both parties are calm, the issues are over. To get past a problem, it has to be discussed. It cannot just be swept under the rug for later. You know what that does? It makes a bog ass pile of dust under the rug and when you move that rug to clean it later, you will be more pissed because now instead of using a piece of scrap paper to sweep the dust into…you have to use a heavy fucking duty dustpan.
To me, in a relationship, your significant other should be your safe zone. They should be the person that you feel you can come to with just about any issue you have. Notice I said just about, because we all got shit we can’t always say to our partner. And no, I am not talking about that one time you slept with that really hot person from the bar in the back alley. That’s your own personal demon.
My issue is this:
If you tell me that I can come to you and talk to you about something, even if it a problem I have with something you said or did do not shut down once I act on your offer. Do not catch an attitude because you told me I could come to you about anything, and then when I do…there is a bigger problem.
I expect the same from my significant other. If I have done something or said something to make them feel some type of way, then dammit, fucking tell me. The phrase, “No worries,” does not make me feel everything is okay. I want to know what the problem is so either I can explain myself (if there was a misunderstanding) or work on the problem.
I guess the bottom line is that in these busy and very trying past couple of weeks I have had, I also had some time for reflection. And while I am not on the search or hunt for a partner…the next potential that comes around better be mature enough to know that emotion is a part of life and communication is key.
And that Thursday’s are sacred between 8pm EST and 11pm EST.