Depression is something I deal with on a daily basis. Some days I struggle with it harder than others. I never really talk about it because for some reason, it is really hard for people to understand and grasp. This especially came true when the great Robin Williams committed suicide and so many people could not fathom how someone who was so funny, so personable, so talented, and so well off could be depressed. So in light of a conversation I had (tried to have) with someone I felt I could trust (I couldn’t), I wanted to touch on some of what depression is and isn’t:
(These are my experiences. I do not speak for everyone that experiences depression, nor am I an expert)
Sleeping for days in a row yet still feeling as if you haven’t slept in a week.
The inability to sleep.
When you do sleep, you are never truly rested.
Physical pain and exhaustion when interacting with others, including the dog.
Only wanting to deal with the dog.
Severe lack of interest in activities you usually enjoy.
Lack of appetite.
The search for something to bring on that spark of happiness and pull yourself out of the depression. For example; searching Amazon at 2am for a new coffee mug, phone case, anything actually to buy in hopes the exhilaration of retail therapy will help. Stepping outside at 4am to feel the breeze and hope it makes you feel different. Taking a 2 hour long drive to no where hoping the change of scenery changes something in your head.
Anxiety when you have never been an anxious person.
Not wanting to deal with people because the act of faking your usual personality feels like you have just worked an 8 hour construction job.
“Oh, I’m fine 😁” has become a personal mantra and automatic response when someone asks how you are.
The fear that no one understand that you don’t have an explanation as to why you are depressed and doesn’t believe you.
Isolation even when surrounded by others.
Just being sad.
Just being negative.
A cry for attention.
Magically disappearing because someone says to cheer up.
Only for people that have a “legitimate reason”
A hipster device for cool sayings over melancholy pictures in a plain font for tumblr or Instagram.
A lack of love for others.
A passing phase.
There is so much more…so much. Everyone’s experiences are different. Thank you for being my personal journal.