I should be alone…

Isn’t it unfair
That I should be alone, waiting for you
I stay alone, I stay alone
I should be alone, waiting for you
I stay alone, I stay alone

Sometimes, I miss being in a relationship. I don’t miss everything about relationships. I think I miss the small intimate things like holding hands. And kissing. Not kissing like the kiss right before a wild sex session, but the kinds of kisses that just whisper a hello. A kiss that is reassuring. Sometimes I miss that feeling of butterflies when I think about someone. I miss the anticipation at the end of the day of someone waiting for me or I waiting for them to come home. I miss having someone to fight for me. Not literally fighting for me like…in a fight. But the days that I am down on myself and justĀ know that I am not worth the oxygen I breathe, I miss having that person that fights for me to let me know that I matter, if to no one else…to them.

Not being in a relationship is not something that I sit and think about on a daily basis. There are so many things that run through my head, that is one of the last things. But sometimes, in the quiet of the night when I have a playlist going and a song comes on, it makes me pause. What happened to the days that I felt like this about someone, or felt like this about losing someone? How nice would it be to have someone there at 3am to shove an edit in someone’s face and have them tell me that it will be okay while they gather me in their arms? Or someone to dance with at 4 am to “I Want To Know What Love Is” on full blast like a dork.

It is really no one’s fault but mine in this situation. I am admittedly kind of a difficult person…I guess. I love to be around people (or person) but just as quick need my space. My temper can go from 0-100 in maybe 30 seconds easily. I don’t trust easily anymore from trusting too easy when I was younger and it exploding in my face. I cuss…a lot. A LOT. I am usually too honest with not enough tact. And when I feel like someone is trying to sneak something past me, even with no evidence, I shut down and turn on my IDGAF mode. I doubt myself more than I like to.

My dog, he dances with me at 4am. And when I say dance, I mean stand there and wiggle his ass not quite sure if we are going out for a walk, it is time to eat, or if the end of the world is coming and this is just my weird moment of preparation. I shove my edited pages in his face sometimes, but then he tries to eat them so I have to take them back quickly. I also hold a strict “no kissing me in the mouth” policy with him that I enforce on a daily basis. And he doesn’t like wine.

Sometimes I miss being in a relationship. Sometimes. Like now. Just in this moment. Okay…maybe in the few moments past this one.

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